(~simul iustus & peccator~) (lovelies) wrote,
(~simul iustus & peccator~)
lovelies

Ex gratia deificatos, non ex substantia Dei natos

It's curious how when ever it's time for exam revision I get the incentive to do everything else. Before, I used to redesign the layout for my website every time, without fail. Now I've had to keep myself from installing Photoshop on this computer, because I know that I'd just start fiddling with it. And it isn't just me, I hear stories of people going on pre-exam cleaning and writing binges all the time.

I think that the filler data might actually be a mechanism required in the absorption of large quantities of compact information. Possibly. What I do know is that in-between reading my notes I've also been doing extensive self-analysis, and have come to the conclusion that I need to learn to stay far the hell away from my life when I'm even tangentially dealing with classes on Systematic. Makes my head go 'splodey.

Some ideas:

I have trouble communicating with others. Always have. People who have met me know that I really don't talk a lot, and I think that many do get the first impression that I'm slow and a bit stupid. I have trouble finding words, even when I'm around the few with whom I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts with, so I gesture a lot with my hands, and it's often an amalgam of three to four languages that I speak. When I can't find the word I'm looking for in my native, I often slip in the English word. But when I'm mainly communicating in English and can't find some word, I can't do that in reverse because no one would understand it. So when that happens, the thought just... dissolves. My brain wants to reboot. The best I can explain it is that sometimes it feels like my mind is working on two different operating systems, and there's an error in the program that's supposed to translate the code between them.

I don't know if it's because of this, or despite it, that semantics are very important to me, and I get caught up on words. Or it might also be because of what I do, what I study, that I can't abandon the role dealing with the importance of words when I come home, and am anal about how they are used. You know, when that pesky little que not only caused the first great division within the Church, but also means that I have to read myself cross-eyed on the topic, I do maybe pay more attention than I should to how words are used in everyday communication. There's a disproportional irritation toward confusing straits with straights, plains and planes, especially so when I discover myself doing it.

A lot of the time I just can't think of anything to say. I can juggle Neo-Platonic constructs with ease in my mind, I've never really had trouble understanding Christological or Trinitarian paradoxes, but if I'm expected to carry on conversation beyond 'hello' and 'please' and 'thank you', I stumble. Sometimes it is that I don't know whether the other person would understand me, or have any interest in what I would say. But when I do find someone I know both would understand and be interested, I just feel inadequate and stupid, and I switch into listening mode.

But there's also that I sometimes don't understand other people. I do think a lot in the terms of formal logic and practical syllogisms, and when I come across what feels like faulty reasoning or leaps of logic where I just can't trace all the steps, it's like there's a rock been dropped in the machinery that makes it shut down. I can't participate in debates because of this, because instead of what is being said I concentrate on how it's being said. And if I feel that something wasn't being said right, I'll rather start constructing the way it ought to have been said instead of what response I should have given to it.

Er, right. Tl;dr: brain damaged and socially retarded. Can't be expected to make sense currently.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 1 comment