(~simul iustus & peccator~) (lovelies) wrote,
(~simul iustus & peccator~)
lovelies



A LONG, LONG TIME AGO IN A GA ON THE MEADOWS OF MIDIAN, WHICH ARE FAR, FAR AWAY. UNLESS YOU'RE IN SAUDI-ARABIA, IN WHICH CASE, HEY.

Moses: *is meandering on the fields gaily*

Moses: *is herding sheep*

Moses: *the father-in-law's sheep, which are pretty*

Moses: *but not that pretty, you pervert*

Moses: *is humming a jolly sheep-herder-y tune* Tra-la-la

SUDDENLY

Bush: *flames mightily*

Moses: OMG!

Bush: *continues flaming like a big flaming thing, but does not burn*

Moses: WTF!

Bush: *snap* *crackle*

Moses: That is some of the weirdest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen some weird shit in my life. I think I'll take a closer look.

Bush: *pop*



God: *is watching Moses come closer*

God: *three feet away*

God: *two feet*

God: Everybody shh!

God: *waits for Moses to make a grab*

God: YO, MO-SES! WHAT UP, HOME BOY!



Moses: AAAGH!

God: *snickers behind hand*

Moses: AAAGH! AAGH! OMGWTFBBQ THE BUSH TALKS OMG OMG.

God: Okay, try to get over it now.

Moses: Ack.

God: Better. Now, take off your shoes.

Moses: Um. Why?

God: Because I say so, you fool.




Moses: *takes off shoes, mutters something about weirdoes*

God: Good. Now, let me introduce myself. I'm God, the God of your fathers, the God of Abaraham, Isaac, Jacob, and all that shiznazz.

Moses: Okay...

God: And I hear that you crew back there in Egypt - you know, the place where you left - aren't doing so well. In fact, they never fucking shut up about it, so I'm sending you to get them out so I can finally catch some zzz's. You're going to take them to a land of milk and honey, where the Caananites, Hethitians, Amorians, Per-izzitians, Hivvians and Jebusians now live. You think I'm making that shit up, but I'm not. Any questions?

Moses: Yeah, one. Why in the hell should I?

God: Because I say so. Any other questions?

Moses: Um, sure. Why me?

God: Because I've been watching you for a while and I think you've got a-- Because I say so! No more questions!

Moses: Okay, but when I go in there and tell them a burning bush told me to take them to live with Jebus - sorry, Jebusians - they're going to think I'm on crack. So what's your name, bo? Just so, you know, I can tell them who's calling. Because bossing them around with your name which nobody has ever heard is going to make me look a lot less crazy.

God: ...

Moses: That's the only reason I'm asking, I swear!

God: I'm not going to tell you my name.



Moses: Is it Edvard?

God: ...

Moses: Okay, that's kind of a stupid name. Is it Baal then?

God: No.

Moses: Is it El?

God: No, already.

Moses: Is it Allah Ilah?

God: You know, you've just pretty much said the same thing three times.

Moses: Alright, alright. So, let's see, what gods do I know in the neighbourhood... Moloch, is that you?

God: Not even.

Moses: Bob?

God: The fuck you say!

Moses: Fine. Touchy, aren't you? Can't you just tell me your name?

God: No, you foo'. Look, even if I wasn't, you know, God, and actually had a name like you could actually name me, I wouldn't tell you. Because I know that the first time you cut your finger or something, you'd try to be sneaky and summon me like I was some genie in a lamp, and that's just not cricket. You can't tell me what to do, I tell you what to do!



Moses: *wibbles lower lip* But... but...

God: *sigh*

God: Alright, look. Just tell 'em I-am sent you. I am that I am. Tell them He-was, the Lord, the God of your fathers and all that jazz has sent you. And if you people really are that fucking stupid, that'll be my name for all eternity and by which I'll be called from generation to generation.

Moses: *beams* Okay!

God: No, wait-- *facefault*

Moses: *looks expectantly*

God: Eh, nevermind. Go pick on some Egyptians, you're giving me a head ache. I'll drop by later, and we'll kill their children and steal their gold and silver. It'll be a blast.
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