October 21st, 2005

Naama: So Emo

(no subject)

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Not very surprising.

However, I object to the options for the 'easter bunny' question. Easter bunnies, santa clauses, tooth fairies, sand-mans, etc. were not among the things my parents lied to me about. I don't remember ever believing that any of the (mostly Russian) fairy-tales I was read were real. And age nine seems to me like an exceptionally high age to still be believing in easter bunnies.

This is a conversation I remember having in my ground school eatery when I was seven years old (non-verbatim, of course):

- Why are you in the religion-replacement group instead of taking religion with us?
- 'Cause my mom put me there.
- Don't they believe in God?
- Why would they? It's not like there's this guy in the sky, it's make-believe.
- God is real and he's in heaven.
- (seven-year-old 'are you all damaged, when the hell did this change into bizarro-world' boggle) How can you believe that? It's stupid.
- How do you not? I mean, what happens to you when you die?
- Uh, I'll be buried, I suppose.
- So when we turn into angels when we die and go to heaven, you'll just lie under the ground and be eaten by maggots?
- ... Well, yeah, I suppose. I'll be dead so it's not like I'm going to care. But, ew.

That was really the first time (other than a relative trying to make me say a prayer before bed when I was around four and having a sleep-over with her daughter, which scared ever-living fuck out of me because nothing like that had ever happened at home, and I think my hysterical resistance/crying fit to it is part of the reason she's always thought I'm Devil-seed - but she never did try that again) that I was really faced with the fact that people whom I'd thought were perfectly normal (I'd never thought the relative in question was anything like normal) thought that these ridiculous make-believe things were really real.

I remember the maggot thing very vividly. I think it's contributed to my desire for cremation.

It honestly didn't hit me until my twenties that - statistically - I might have been the damaged one.