||[26 Oct 2005|11:48am]
Not terribly long ago I was in the car with my brother, driving... somewhere. I don't remember where, and it's not important. I generally try to keep all chatter in the car light and idle (although sometimes we'll start really arguing while he's driving, combining abstract theories with childhood slights that once got to the point of 'I'll steer this car into a fucking wall, I swear to God'), because ever since my crash I've just not been comfortable with the particular mode of transport, nevermind how experienced the driver. So, to pass the time, I said:
"You think Tool's ever going to tour here? They really ought to."
And he said: "I doubt it. They've broken up, haven't you heard?"
"What," I said, after my heart had resumed its beating, "--the fuck? Why? When did this happen? Why haven't I heard about it?"
"Oh, you know," he said. "Maynard found Jesus or something."
Oh no, he didn't, I thought, no fucking way. And then: Oh, wait, he didn't.
"That was an April Fool's prank! That was ages ago!"
And he just said: "Oh. Well, I don't know."
But it did leave a nagging doubt into my mind, as I really hadn't heard anything from Tool since that bit of news in the Spring. And my brother is usually very knowledgeable about events pertaining to music, being a musician. Jesus already had fucked with Korn, and that had been for real, so if it turned out he'd fucked also with Tool...
Is it that you hate music, Jesus? Or is it, as with inflicting us with Creed and the like, that you're just tormenting mankind?
But no. Maynard, it seems, managed to escape his clutches:
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."
All I can say is: hallelu-fucking-jah. Hosannah!
Ps. Maynard/Willem Dafoe-Jesus drunken fumbling: hot.